I recently embarked on an overseas trip to Sydney, Australia. It was a multipurpose journey, the significance of which was not revealed to me until I was hanging out in the afterglow of all the action.
We decided to fly over to attend the wedding of friends of ours, to stay with my best friend who had a newborn baby, for myself to stay on and start my tea master training and our 3 year old daughter was to stay in New Zealand. My beautiful daughter and I had not been apart for more than 24 hours since birth and I was still breastfeeding her at night. This is not something that many people knew about as extended breastfeeding tends to freak people out. I had left the decision in her hands as to when she would like to wean and it was taking rather a long time for her to lose interest! I had forced her to wean daytime feeds and would only feed her at bedtime. This suited us both fine as it was not too demanding on me physically and she got all the nutritional and immune system goodness that was being supplied.
Once the trip was planned I realised that full blown weaning was going to be the best course of action. My daughter was showing no signs of wanting to wean so I had to change my original plan.
I made this decision without too much thought or emotion involved. I wanted to make the transition as gentle and natural as possible for her. We planned a few sleepovers with her Grandma's where the night feed was missed and my body was allowed to get the message that production needed to start shutting down. It was uncomfortable to say the least! I did not realise just how much she was having in that one feed. I was engorged and leaking like when she first arrived!
After a couple of weeks things started to settle down. I asked her when she would like her "last feed ever" and she chose an upcoming Saturday night. When the time came we snuggled up on the couch and I confirmed with her that this was the last one.
Waves of emotion began to roll through me and hot tears streamed down my face thick and fast. I gazed down at her and how she fit so perfectly in my arms. Our nursing relationship has always been effortless and at no point in the 'extended' period had she felt too big or uncomfortable in my arms. It struck me hard how much I was actually going to miss this delicate, sacred and very special part of our relationship. I understood then how privileged I was to experience such a long breastfeeding relationship and that I was foolish to have kept it so quiet.
I wept rather a lot that evening, but I had the loving and supportive hand of my partner on my shoulder.
A week later we left the country and our daughter for our first holiday together in a long time.
It was surreal and bizarre initially as we navigated the streets of a new city and got used to a different time zone. After cutting a serious rug on the wedding dance floor and having a lot of fun with our friends, I started to feel a kind of restoration that was seriously needed.
My brain was being used in such a different way. You are constantly surveying your surroundings while traveling which allows for things to get shaken up. I had suffered somewhat from the treadmill of running a household and had slipped into too many habits. As many fellow parents will appreciate - you are often just so damn tired that you easily fall into autopilot mode.
The ten days away felt like a LONG time. If I had spent the same ten days at home doing the "same old" they would have slipped past me quickly as the days seem to do.
Staying with my best friend was another level of restoration. We used to live across the driveway from each other growing up and now we live in different countries. 10 days together was pure luxury.
I had made the decision to start my tea master training - something I have wanted to do for a long time. Tea is my passion and it felt so good to take the giant leap in that direction. I will talk more about this at another time :)
I was deeply nervous about catching my first solo international flight home. I have always traveled with others in the past. After catching buses, trains and walking around by myself for a few days in Sydney - I felt a new sense of security in being alone. Not only was I having a break from my daughter, but the second part of the trip was without my partner - the expert map reader who was very good at navigating new places and airports.
I got the full treatment departing Sydney: my bags had to be opened, I was then asked to step into a full body radiation scanner, and was then "randomly selected" to have my luggage and clothing bomb checked. I managed to get onto the plane with some sense of calm remaining!
I enjoyed the late night flight home to New Zealand and soaked up the last moments of being profoundly alone. Alone in a very good way. I felt ready to come back to my life in New Zealand. When I came through the arrivals gate I got the best surprise ever - my daughter wide awake at 11.30pm in the arms of her dad. There will never be words to describe the waterfall of love and excitement that I experienced in that moment.
In the days that followed I noticed that I had 100% to give to her. I had filled my tanks sufficiently and was less prone to being grumpy or flying off the handle - something that occurred if I was overwhelmed or exhausted in the past.
We are definitely still feeling our way through this very new phase without breastfeeding, and integrating all the emotions and realizations we both had while apart. Huia asks me if I am going away again and if she can come too.
While I am committed to having a "mother's holiday" every year now (the benefits have proved crucial to my family) I am thoroughly looking forward to the day when I am wandering around a new city and getting fabulously lost with my daughter beside me.
RLH
x
